Tides Of Time
by Raven Shadowrose
Summary: Darken Rahl takes a walk, these are his thoughts.


**Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters or actors from Legend Of The Seeker. All original characters belong to me as does the story. The song lyrics in italics are the property of Epica and the title is Tides of Time if you would like to check it out. Constructive criticism is welcomed. Do not use this story without my permission.**

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><p>I pulled the cloak tighter around myself to hide my face, it wouldn't do to be found outside of the palace walls without my guards. There are many people that would seek to harm me if they found me unprotected like this. I am not unarmed of course but tonight, if only this once, I want to avoid shedding the blood of others. There are times I want to be away from the palace and those that grant me my every wish. I wish to be alone with my thoughts and away from the pressure that comes with being Lord Rahl.<p>

No one knows of my nightly roaming around the city near the People's Palace, not even my circle of generals and advisers. I dress in simple clothing for these trips, only if my face were revealed would it give me away, it can sometimes be an inconvenience having a very recognisable face. There is a reason to these trips, the first time I ever left the palace alone I heard a woman singing and I have returned here every night since trying to find her. This is the last area I have to check, she must be here somewhere.

When does one start to tire of trying to gain more power and killing those that stand in your way? I think for me it was the night that I heard the woman sing. What would it be like to be unknown, to not be Lord Rahl any more? I stopped in my tracks as I heard the voice I had been searching for these past few nights, it was close, coming from the group of houses to my left. I quietly made my way over, just one glimpse of the singer, that's all I needed.

_You were always there to hold my hand_

_When times were hard to understand_

_But now the tides of time have turned_

_They keep changing_

I crept closer to the house where the voice was coming from and keeping to the shadows I looked through the window. A young woman was sat on the bed of a small child that she was singing to sleep. I was mesmerised by the scene before me, there was something so pure and natural about it. I remember my mother used to sing to me before she died and I was left with my father, the same father that took great delight in telling me that he wanted me dead.

_Season range, but you remained the same_

_A steady heart, a sun to rain_

_You'll be the light that's shining bright_

_High above me_

My eyes were fixed on the woman that was singing, she was untouched by the violence of this world. Something stirred in my heart and part of me wished that she would turn from her spot and notice me watching her. I was surrounded by blood and death almost all of the time and I cannot deny that there is a secret place deep inside me that wishes I could escape the less than clean world that I was enmeshed in.

_Autumn gold losing hold_

_We are leaves meant to fall_

_There is meaning to all that fades_

The battle with the Seeker, Richard, my brother, am I meant to fall? Am I meant to die? Would the people rejoice? I think that they would, they do not love me, they would dance on my grave. I feel I am misunderstood, yet I cannot find the words to say what I really want to. I was young and scared, I still am scared. One day my brother will find me and I will know what it feels like to stare death in the face, to feel the fear that I have given to others.

_Freezing winds were stayed by warming words_

_To touch your healing to the hurt_

_I'll treasure every lesson learned to the embers_

I try to fight away the night with the company of my mord'sith, there are no warm words to go with their warm bodies. There is only the satisfaction of physical pleasure and even that is fleeting. They love me because they have to, not because they want to. Who would choose to be with me when they learn what I've done, of the blood that stains my hands no matter how many times that I wash them.

_Fire fails, blushes pale_

_We will answer the call_

_There's a meaning to all our_

_Seeds of eulogy to sow along with dreams_

_Fill the need that can leave us grieving alone_

The people are answering the call of the Seeker, Richard, my brother. No matter what I do, they are turning against me, perhaps they were never with me in the first place. I only saw what I wanted to, believed that what I was doing was the best for my people. If it really was for the best then why have they flocked to my brother's cause? They are sharpening the knives for my demise, it is only a matter of time before they come for me.

_Frail is our beauty in the end_

_But all we count is sentiment_

_A memory stays to guide the way_

_and whisper_

The memory of Jennsen is strong, she came to me without her memories and I manipulated them to make her see me as the good guy. As she came to trust me something in my heart unlocked, the small kiss on my cheek only served to give me hope that she might actually love me one day. I gave her a kitten and the smile on her face warmed me in a way that I hadn't been in a long time. I hid that I was saddened when she went back to my brother from everyone, it wouldn't be good for my rule if I showed weakness, it would be used against me.

_Don't lose sight, don't deny_

_We are leaves meant to fall,_

_there's a meaning to all our_

_Seeds of eulogy to sow along with dreams_

_Fill the need that can leave us grieving alone_

_A symphony resounding in our minds_

_Guides us through what we knew_

_would come all along_

I hear the screams and cries of pain of those that I have killed and tortured, they never leave me alone. Never let it be said that there isn't a price for taking the life of another, they haunt me in the dark. Every time I close my eyes my victims appear before me, taunting me, wishing for my death. If this is what they can do now then what will they do to me when I join them? It is only a matter of time before my brother finds me and deals out the punishment that he believes to be just.

_Sometimes I feel I don't have the words_

_Sometimes I feel I'm not being heard_

_And then I fear I'm feeling nothing more_

I know what I want to say, to my brother, and to the world. The words bubble beneath the surface and yet I cannot say them, they are locked inside. Would I be heard if I said it, would it be dismissed as insincerity and lies? I think I have come too far to go back, the first impression of others will always be that I am cold-hearted and a murderer and I fear I have brought it on myself.

_Sometimes I feel I don't want this change_

_I think we all have to rearrange_

_And now I feel there's no one losing more_

There are times I think that I should accept my fate, but then I think that surely I am not beyond redemption. I know that I have killed and hurt others, would the people forgive me if I sought to make amends? Is there another way to rule, without fear and bloodshed? What would I gain if I sought out the forgiveness of the people, what would I lose?

_Seeds of eulogy to sow along with dreams_

_Fill the need that can leave us grieving alone_

_A symphony resounding in our minds_

_Guides us through_

_as you hear me_

_as you do,_

_as you need me_

Who is there to guide me? Who can I ask? If I were to say what I really need to would anyone hear me? Would I be immediately classed as weak and would they come for me? I did not kill and hurt one innocent person after another for no reason, if they tried to harm me I simply killed them first. Have I gone the wrong way about all this? Is there another way?

_Making true_

_What we knew would come all along_

The prophecy. I became what I am because of it. I allowed everything it said to be true. I became this tyrant to protect myself from words. I should have dismissed it and been a better ruler, I am not unintelligent and yet I fell for the words of a prophecy that should have been left to die. My brother and I have something in common, we both believed the prophecy and and are trying desperately to kill the other before we are killed ourselves. Everyone else is getting caught up in our fight, people like this woman in front of me.

I move closer to the window as the woman kissed the child on the cheek. 'Goodnight sister.' So it is her sister, where is her mother? Was she killed in our fight or is she simply out at work? I moved back from the window as the woman walked out of the room, she didn't even see me stood there. I thought back over what I had just seen. There was a bond between the two sisters that I was almost jealous of, a bond that I wanted for my brother and I. We could go hunting together and do the things that families are supposed to.

Family... Jennsen, Richard, and myself. We're supposed to be family and yet we're torn apart. Jennsen and Richard hate me, I don't want them to hate me. I wish we could be like the two sisters in that little room, the elder one making sure that the younger one gets to sleep safely. The family I've seen don't have much, they have each other and that is more important I think. I have many riches and yet I would give it all up to experience what this family has.

The woman that sang to her sister in that beautiful voice came into my mind again, would she sing to me like that if I asked her? She probably would, out of fear, to keep me from harming those close to her. I don't want this any more, people hating and fearing me. The little boy that still resides deep in my soul wants nothing more than someone to love him, I know people think I'm not capable of love, but I am. I could love the singer, if only she'd let me.

I don't think that she would let me, I don't want her to let me. I haven't earned it. She's pure, untouched by the violence that I have encouraged to happen. I have far too much blood on my hands to be even worthy of touching her. I feel ashamed of myself, of the things I have done, quite possibly for the first time since I became Lord Rahl.

I turn away from the little house, I knew that I would be back to listen to the singer as often as I could. With heavy steps I make my way back to the palace. How do I get out of this nightmare I have created for myself? I do not know, I have to find a way. Making amends will take time but make amends I must, I don't want to die. I look up at the sky, it is still dark, there are many hours until morning. I choose and star and wish on it with all my might that my brother will not turn me away and I utter the words that I thought I'd never be able to say, 'Help me, Richard. Help me Jennsen, I can't do this any more.'


End file.
